Day 9

Ugh. Online rejection is not as crappy as "real life" rejection, but it's still pretty crappy. I sent a little ice breaker to 2 people- 1 closed the match and the other saw it and didn't reply. Granted, there is WAY less at stake here than making first move with the person behind a computer screen, but it still sucks.
I think I want to stick with the don't-make-first-contact policy, but then this stupid quote popped in my head- "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
Ugh.

Day 8... I think...

I'm beginning to think this is a stretch. Or maybe boys are a lot slower than I am.

This is the first day I haven't had any new matches! But, I'm thinking at 80 people I may be exhausting my resources. However, none of those 80 have followed up on communication. Yes, unfortunately that means cute cowboyish, etc. boy never had that chat with me.

Funny realization! I noticed that I can see who has viewed my profile, and realized I probably look like a creeper because I like to go back and look at people's profile and show them to my mother and they all have access to that information. Oops...

So, I thought I wanted to refrain from making contact first. Thoughts?

P.S. I was asked AT LEAST 4 times today if I'm married/had kids/why not. Yay.

Day 5!!!!

Um, HELLO!!! Super cute, cowboyish, guitar-playing, Christian boy "wants to chat." I'm down!!! Stay tuned!!!!

Day 4

I dislike being mean, but I've made an observation. Out of the 70 something matches I've received, about 9 have communicated with me so far, but they're guys I wouldn't really go for in "real life."
How important do you think it is to be physically attracted to a potential date/partner/ whatever you want to call it?

Day 2-3

The scientist in me is coming out. I want to look at this site I'm using and crunch numbers- haha! Here goes: I've been matched with 68 people so far and about half of them have viewed my profile. 9 of those 32 have sent me icebreaker questions. (Yes I realize 32 is not half of 68, hence the word "about.") And I have a strategy :)
At this point, I'm pretty much answering everybody's questions and trying not to judge them based on a goofy online profile. I was discussing with my dad that a person can be anyone or anything they want to be online and I wouldn't want someone making snap judgements about me based on about 10 things I've posted on the internet. So, this is all about being open-minded. Not to mention patient. Apparently these guys don't answer as quickly as some of us...
If we're being completely real, I'm still not taking this whole thing very seriously. It almost feels like a big game or joke, but an expensive one! Then I think about who is on the other end of this deal, and it's no game or joke to play with people's hearts and hopes. I'm still praying about how this all works and how it will go, so stay tuned!

And So It Begins

I'm getting old. I just turned 24 yesterday and my biological clock is ticking apparently. I would love to get married and have a family but it's looking less and less likely at this point in my life, so I've put a lot of thought into online dating.

I used to laugh hysterically at the online dating commercials and think, "Wow, desperate." Then I moved back to Odessa after college. Slim pickings. I love Jesus, so I'm looking for a man who loves Jesus more than he will love me. Problem is, I also love my church and there are about zero single men my age there. I also work at a very small school with no single men. So, I pretty much have no opportunity to meet single guys because the bar scene is not really my thing.

I'm a bit conflicted because I'm pretty sure God is big enough to bring me whoever He has for me whenever He's ready, but curiosity got the best of me. I made an account on a very publicized dating site and discovered that there are nice guys in my general vicinity that I probably would never meet otherwise. So, I sought the counsel of my parents and a couple of very trusted friends, paid for the subscription, and here we go! One of my advisers suggested I blog about my experience, so that's what I'm doing.

Day 1
Over the last week or 2 I have been matched with about 60 men, and have received icebreaker questions from about 7 of them. There are a wide variety of guys- lots of military and ministry and pretty much all of them claim to know and love Jesus. Some of them are musicians, most of them are sports enthusiasts, and a lot of them seem pretty fun.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic and wondering where all of this will go.
We shall see!

it's late

"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. 19 If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. 20Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. 21But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me. 22If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have been guilty of sin,but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Whoever hates me hates my Father also. 24 If I had not done among them the works that no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin, but now they have seen and hated both me and my Father. 25But the word that is written in their Law must be fulfilled: 'They hated me without a cause.'

26"But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me. 27And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning." John 15: 18-27

To be really short and sweet, because I haven't really processed it all yet, I tire of Christians who think that our journey with Christ is a walk in the park. He suffered to save us and grant us salvation, and we think our lives are suddenly supposed to be easy. I wonder if we think we're somehow entitled to a life with no real burdens or pain. Not so. This passage is proof that we will face hard times, but our suffering is for His glory and our good. (I stole that last bit from my college pastor...) I won't pretend to know what that looks like, but I'll stand (ok, sit) here as a testimony and say that the worst times in my life have been the times of the most growth. Those are the moments when the Lord tells me, "Let Me handle this; I can do more with it than you can." Those are the moments I know that He is good and faithful, all the time. It's in those moments that I know His love.

(I'll ponder this some more and get back to it...)

dreams

"'Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops."- Matthew 10:27

I'm a pretty big fan of dreaming big dreams (not the sleeping kind, the "life" kind). I firmly believe that God gives every person very specific wishes, desires, dreams, and goals and He does it for a purpose. If you read Psalm 139 it is quite clear that the Lord has a plan for every life (or if, like the rest of the world, you read Jeremiah 29:11 out of context). I like to think that God accomplishes His plan when we follow and pursue the dreams He grants us. I will never understand why people walk away from their heart's desire and settle for something less. Don't get me wrong, I understand that life happens and sometimes interferes. I definitely understand there are bills to pay, mouths to feed, responsibilities, and difficult choices to make. I also understand that my Father is bigger than all of those things and that He can do absolutely anything He chooses. So why do we settle when we could walk in faith? God is far too powerful and creative for that. I absolutely adore the fact that He is a God of diversity and He is multi-dimensional. I love that He gives everybody different hopes, dreams, abilities, and opportunities. I love that one person's "great" may be somebody else's "mediocre." And I love most that He makes a way. Nothing is too big for my God.
However, let's clarify. This is not a "name it and claim it" kind of thing. I'm not saying that God grants us every little thing we may ask for, but when our will is in accordance with His will and when it's His perfect timing He answers. Notice that I said our will lines up with His, not the other way around. In my experience, the Lord knows far better what He's doing in and with my life than I do.
My main point is an exhortation to never give up. Let us be a people who do not bury our dreams and walk away from the desires of our hearts because they are there for a reason. Let us be a generation that consults with the Lord about the dreams He gives us. I hope that we ask for a passion and when He gives us one that we follow it. I pray that someday we'll stop making excuses, grow some faith, and step out trusting that God knows exactly what He's doing.

covenant

I've been considering a lot lately the idea of willfully walking with somebody even if it opens you up to the possibility of getting hurt. What would it look like to stick by a person even if you knew it would bring frequent heartache, disappointment, and loads of frustration? There are people in my life that I feel like I need to pursue with the love of the Lord even if it rips my heart out. There are friends in my world that I know are going to let me down over and over and over and over again, but I also know it's because they need Jesus. I know they need to be pursued with real love, even if it kills me. But my question is can I truly embody the love of Christ? Can I be Jesus in the flesh to somebody else? Can you imagine being Christ? The man took on the sins, faults, wrong-doings, pain, heartache, hate, ugliness, shortcomings, anger, etc, etc, etc, of ALL of humanity. What if I tried to do that with just a handful of my loved ones? I know I'm not strong enough to do it on my own because it would break my heart, but if I stay centered on Jesus maybe He can do it through me. I know a LOT of people would never understand this concept because we are so ingrained with the idea of looking out for number one, protecting ourselves, but that's ok because a lot of people didn't understand a lot of what Jesus said either.
Ooooh, I just want my people to know what I know, to have what I have, to love Who I love. He is so good, all the time. He will never let us down, and that's why I want to trust Him with this idea. It will NOT be an easy road and it probably takes a lot of sacrifice and patience, because people are not always willing to meet halfway. I need people to give and to let go and to open themselves up, and I believe it is possible with God, He is big enough. I think I would rather be an open book than to have a guarded heart cut off from others. Having said that, I know we are called to guard our hearts for out of it springs the issues of life (Prov. 4:23), but maybe that means I just let the Lord have and control my heart and He does as He pleases with it....I don't know but I'm sure He will show me when it's time.

more

Is it too much to want it all? I just want the best, the most fulfilled life I can have. At the end of the day I want to know I did my best, that I really tried. I want to know that I poured myself out and that I embodied love. I want to be inspired and to inspire others. I want to be strong and confident, able to take care of myself. I want to be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. I want to give everday. I want to be understanding and level-headed. I want to be fun and funny, to bring joy to others. I will not lay down and die, but I want to live like I've never been hurt. I want to be loved. Really loved. I feel like that's not too much to ask, but I could be wrong. Let's back up, I know I'm loved, but I mean romantically. Ugh, why is this such a big deal? Why such a struggle, especially for girls...? Why are boys so fickle and complicated? I don't get it. But, that's ok because I know I just need to trust God. I know He's got a plan and a way, and it's probably a lot better than what I can do. So, here's to trusting Him.

catch up

I've had the opportunity to catch up with a few people from high school this week and we've had some really great conversations. I feel like I've gotten to talk about Jesus and my faith a lot this week and that has been AH-MAZING!!!!

I feel like there's something coming, something new and exciting, different. I feel like I'm at the threshold of something big. The last time I had a feeling like this, a fuzzy hint at something to come, I turned out to be right. I can't wait to see how God is working and moving, changing me and my life. He's really good; I love Him.

passion

what is passion? according to dictionary.com: any powerful or compelling emotion; a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything; an outburst of strong emotion or feeling.
i was discussing w/ a friend that i have this desire to see my fellow followers of Christ become very passionate about their relationship w/ Him. and now i'm thinking, "am i even that passionate about my relationship w/ Christ?" i know how much i love the Lord and how much He means to me and all that He's done for me, but am i making His name known? can people see how much i love Him?
these are really sobering questions, but i'm challenging myself to consider them along side my youth group as i prepare to challenge them to sell out for God.
so what is it to sell out? again, according to dictionary.com: to put all of one's goods or possessions up for sale. i'm not sure we can quite literally apply this to our topic of discussion, but maybe we can. i think to sell out for God is to let go of everything we think is "ours" and completely depend on and trust God. i think it's to give or do anything for the Lord. this of course looks different for different people, but it's the same concept.
so, my challenge to myself and my loved ones is to be fully committed to Christ, to do whatever He calls me to, but to enjoy it and delight in Him every step of the way.

faithful

God is so good. He continually reveals Himself to be incredibly faithful about anwering my prayers. Sometimes He answers very quickly and at other times He says "Wait," and sometimes I don't hear anything at all, but eventually it all works together in the end. Obviously I really like it when I see God's immediate action, but He teaches me faith and trust when it's not so obvious. This year He has drawn me so close and I hope in the new year our relationship just continues to grow deeper and deeper.

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice to worship You, oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my King in what You hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

cheesy, thank you disney

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know
Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true

So I'm a cheeseball and was reading some blog about a woman and her husband. She was blogging about something her husband did for her and it was so sweet it made my heart smile. I've been singing this good 'ol little Disney song to myself for a while now and it makes me just wonder who God is bringing to me. It's fun to wonder what the One will be like- what will he look like? What will he be passionate about? What will he show me about relationship with Christ? What will be his talents? I look forward to how he will treat me, and I pray that he will equally admire and love me as much as I do him. It's fun to dream and to make requests to the Lord. So, someday my prince will come, but right now I'm delighting in the King of Kings.

foolishness

I never really understood what a fool was until recently. I've come to realize it annoys me when people act really immaturely, even (or especially) old people. There is far more to this life than the superficial and shallow; it is so much deeper and richer. I'm talking about true foolishness, not being goofy and having a good time every now and then. Life is so much more than a social scene, or putting on a face or being fake. I want authenticity! Honesty! Being real! There has got to be depth and growth. Life is not a show where you play some part everybody else picks out for you, it is about being exactly who God has created you to be. Why can't more people see that? What is this business about putting on an act or a facade? It drives me insane.

hmmm

you ever feel like nobody understands? well heck, what about when you don't even understand yourself!? i was so sure, but clearly i was wrong... how can you know something so deeply and then it turns out to be a lie? i just want to know why; just to know what happened... i can't fix something if i don't know why it's broken. and why is it so hard to let go? how can i still be so angry, and hurt, and at the same time want what was? it doesn't add up...
and nobody gets it. i don't need to hear you tear him down, or "just let go." you don't stop loving somebody in a few days! and if you do, then there's a problem. or maybe that is the issue- how do you wake up one day and say, "hm, i think i'm done with this person..." !? that is NOT true love. and fear is not a good enough excuse.

Nobody Else KnowsBuilding 429

My world is closing in, on the inside, but I’m not showing it.
When all I am is crying outI hold it in and fake a smile, still I’m broken, I’m broken.
Only One can understand, and only One can hold the hand of the broken, of the broken.
When no one else knows how I feel Your love for me is proven real.
When no one else cares where I’ve been, You run to me with outstretched hands, and You hold me in your arms again.
I need no explanation of why me, I just need confirmation.
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head. I am falling, I am falling. I’m falling down upon my knees, to find the one who gives me peace.
I am flying, Lord I am flying.
When no one else knows how I feel, Your love for me is proven real.
When no one else cares where I’ve been, You run to me with outstretched hands and You hold me in Your arms again.
I have come to you in search of faith cause I can’t see beyond this place.
Oh You are God and I am man, so I’ll leave it in Your hands.

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, because God has laid it on him, let him put his mouth in the dust- there may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him, and be full of reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men... Let us search out and examine our ways and turn back to the Lord, let us lift our hearts and hands to God in Heaven. We have transgressed and rebelled, You have not pardoned... I called on Your name, O Lord, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: 'Do not hide Your ear from my sighing, from my cry for help.' You drew near on the day I called on You and said, 'Do not fear.' O Lord, You have pleaded the case for my soul, You have redeemed my life."

Lamentations 3:22-66 (somewhere in there)

Thoughts

So, the Lord has showed me some things lately, because He's refreshing like that. For one thing, He's reminded me that my faith is not some list of rules and regulations (although there are some serious do's and do not's in His word). I've really examined my motives and driving forces, and He's reminded me that I should act out of my love and passion for Him. I should not have to say, "Did I read my Bible? Check. Pray? Check. Spend time investing in someone? Check. Tithe? Check." But I should do these things out of love for Him. There's another part of that- I can't discipline myself to be a "good" follower of Christ. By that I mean I can't depend on my self-discipline or my own will to follow and obey God. The best way to explain that thought is with examples. Often I think, "I shouldn't think like that because it's impure and I feel guilty," rather than, "Because I love the Lord I'm not going to indulge in that thought because I desire to please Him." Or, "I shouldn't say that word because it's not nice and if somebody hears me I'll be a bad example," instead of, "Because I'm passionate about God I'm going to follow His word and only speak what is edifying." Or this one: "I guess I'll read my Bible because I'm a Christian and that's what everybody says I should do," rather than, "I want to fall more in love with the Creator of the universe, so I'm gonna get to know Him better through His love letter to me." Then there's this one that gets me over and over and over again- "I'll just try and work really hard to do it myself, " instead of trusting Him and believing that God cares deeply for me and will provide my every need. I've realized that I have to stop depending on me, and start trusting Him. I have got to quit asking,"Why?" and start basking in His love. I have to let Him love me, and just be grateful for it. That same idea applies in a couple of my other relationships too..... I have to stop looking for some other motive and start saying "Thank you." One of the biggest things the Lord has told me is that He doesn't fit in some box I mold for Him. My finite mind doesn't grasp the full greatness of God. It's liberating, but difficult, to realize that God doesn't make sense, He's not logical by any means. Sometimes, He's a mystery (in fact, a lot of the time He is). I can't even elaborate on that because I don't fully grasp it and don't have the vocabulary for it.I've been studying Daniel lately, and I want a faith like that. Why do I have to question so much? What if I really believed the stuff I read and even preach? What if I had faith of a mustard seed? What could the Lord do with me? If I were truly passionate about following Christ and being like Him, what kind of person would that make me? It would make me wierd (ok, wierder). I would be in great opposition to a lot of what the world says and practices, and wouldn't it be obvious? Here's a sobering thought: without me saying and proclaiming it, would people know I'm a disciple of Christ? Sadly, and to be brutally honest, most likely not. So, what do I do about that? Maybe I just make myself available for God and say "Here I am Lord, use me." Here's the catch- then I obey. What a thought- I might actually have to get up and do something, something uncomfortable. Am I willing? That's the million dollar question.This question was posed to me the other day: What potential is there for the disciples of Christ as a whole? Let me explain. We were talking about some other denominations, for example Jehova's Witnesses or Mormons. We were talking about how committed and devoted they are. Why? Because they actually believe the things they talk about. What if we as followers of Christ actually believed what we preach? What if we each individually fully committed to the Lord and made ourselves available and obedient? What if we had a burning love and passion for Christ? Granted, a lot of those other denominations are going to Hell in a paper bag, but at least they've got that passion thing down. We've got the answer, for crying out loud! Why don't we live passionately?On a much more minor note, the Lord has also impressed on me that I can be whoever I want to be. I don't have to fit in a box or a category. I've decided to try some new stuff this summer, and guess what! I like it! I've decided that I will be who I want to be, but I have to get up and go do it and be it. My character is not set in stone and I can keep adding on to it all the time. I can discover new things, new talents, abilities, and passions, and let the Lord continually reshape me. Not gonna lie, it's pretty fun.

eh

Ever have one of those days that didn't go bad, but wasn't so hot either? Today was one of those days.... Rest is nice, but too much rest is boring, lol.

reflection

So today I went through some of my old journals and it was a very interesting experience. Let me back up- I like to journal about the things I read in my Bible and write down my prayers. So today I re-read some of the old ones. It was sweet to see how far God has brought me and how many prayers He has answered since high school. He is such a good and wise God, and I see how He was preparing me and maturing me in my faith all those years. He knows so much better how to take care of my life than I do. I'm looking forward to looking back at the things I'm writing about now to see how God works in my life.